The Pastiche



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Pres. Bullock & Family Evicted

Bullock to be Replaced

Inebriated Universe

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"Crime does not pay . . . as well as politics." Alfred E. Newman

President Bullock and family evicted
by Home Less

In late-breaking news, Dean Hudson verified the rumor that the Bullock family has been evicted. For the past few weeks, students have noticed President and George Bullock loading bags into the family car and driving off. Says Winship resident Need A. Nay, "I'm used to seeing the president take a few bundles when going out of town, but this is ridiculous. She has enough luggage to move into another house!" Reasons for the eviction have not been disclosed, but many assume it has to do with the recent revelation of new intergalactic arrivals to the Bullock family.

Dean Hudson has vehemently denied all such rumors and states, "The Bullocks have agreed to move into a smaller apartment, which will be located in the new parking deck that will be built on the current property. The funding for the new parking lot will be taken out of the refund received from selling back the $10,000 fence."

As for now, the location of the Bullock family is unknown, but several Agnes Scott students have heard references to the old homestead on Tatooine. But never fear. No matter what galaxy she's in, President Bullock will still have office hours where she can introduce the community to her new children.

Bullock to be replaced
by N. Cyder

Fearing that President Mary Brown Bullock might be in danger of revealing the truth (about her Skywalker connection perhaps?), the United States government has decided to remove her from office temporarily so that an official inquiry can take place. To restore campus security in the presidential office, FBI Special Agent Dana Scully will hold her position in the interim.

Although the position was first offered to her less conventional partner, Special Agent Fox Mulder, the government expressed concern that his absurd theories might disrupt the campus community. Dr. Scully, known for her skepticism and for her reliance on scientific data, was deemed a more responsible choice for this prestigious position.

Interim President Scully will begin her duties as of April 1. She plans to have an FBI reconnaissance team inspect the presidential office for espionage devices (as well as hidden lightsabers). All students will be searched by guards before they can enter to speak with the President.

A recent survey shows that most students would welcome Dr. Scully as an interim president, yet most faculty members remain divided on the issue. In general, the history, English, religion, and political science departments tend to favor her logical, scientific approach to the presidency, but some members of each department have raised quizzical eyebrows and called the government’s plan "ludicrous." The administration currently has no comment.

Inquiries are expected to last only until August, pending President Bullock's willingness to submit to the federal investigation. One factor remains certain: if the government does find Bullock in possession of the truth, all knowledge will be denied to the public.

Inebriated Universe
compiled by Fury Terrier

In entertainment news, NBC has announced that it is cancelling several of its biggest shows: Friends, ER, Mad About You, and Seinfeld. Other networks are following suit: Fox is cancelling Married With Children and The X-Files; CBS is trashing its Saturday night lineup of Dr. Quinn, Early Edition, and Walker, Texas Ranger; ABC has ended Home Improvement and 20/20. Only NBC has any plans for new shows, announcing that it will begin airing 3-hour editions of Dateline NBC each night. Shortly after these announcements, Nielsen announced that due to computer glitches its ratings came out backwards. Nevertheless, the fledgling WB network is throwing a wild celebration party in honor of its top status.

The Russian vodka industry experienced a sudden plunge when doctors for Russian President Boris Yeltsin announced that they have found a way to keep him from drinking. Several diplomats promptly cancelled trips to Russia. New reasons for the meltdown in Albania have come to light with the discovery that the government was playing the Barney theme song as "hold" music on governmental telephone lines. Psychologists feel this could have sparked riots as surely as the economic crisis. Queen Elizabeth II of England, fed up with the varied antics of her children, announced that she is disowning them all, but particularly Charles and Andrew. Charles' oldest son, William, is the new Prince of Wales. Elizabeth has had the Tower of London reopened as a prison, and the royal children have been tossed into it, along with several dozen tabloid reporters who have particularly irked Her Majesty.

President Clinton continues to recover from his fall and has left the running of the government in the hands of Al Gore and Hillary Rodham Clinton. The new arrangement is working so well that the Democratic Party is considering a Gore/Clinton ticket in 2000. The Republicans are wondering about the possibility of nominating Strom Thurmond. They feel that if he is fed a Twinkie once daily he might well survive four or five terms by utilizing the snack cake's preservatives.

Locally, Georgia Tech is banning frats. With an increasing female population, parties are no longer as much fun as they used to be. Since fraternities were only allowed on campus for the party atmosphere to begin with, there is no reason to keep them. Tech students hope that Agnes Scott students will pick up the slack.