"I'm not going to ask if you just
said what I think you just said because I know it's what you just
said." The X-Files
"First man invented the wheel, then
he invented roadkill." Third Rock From The Sun
New P.E. requirements
by Crow Shea
The uproar over the P.E. requirements
has driven Agnes Scott College to totally revamp its system of traditional
sports-minded classes. The number of classes has been lowered as the
requirements have been made more stringent.
Students will be required to take all
eight of the PE classes offered. This amounts to one each semester.
To make scheduling easier, since that has been one of the primary complaints
of students, these classes will be the only ones scheduled during the
Tuesday/Thursday 4:00-5:15 period of the new schedule. However, students
will only be allowed to take one P.E. class per semester unless
they have previously failed a class, preventing anyone from getting
ahead of the requirement and giving seniors a real reason for attending
class. Sports participation will carry one-half hour of credit but will
not count toward the requirement. Dance classes will no longer count
towards the P.E. requirement.
The traditional classes have all been
discarded in favor of more modern sports. One class, "Controlling the
Force," is cross-listed with the Religious Studies Department, and students
who achieve an A will be allowed to count that class as their Religious
and Philosophical Thought requirement. The fitness class will be "Nutrition
in Aramark," in which students will learn how to ignore the nutritional
deficiencies of the dining hall. The other six classes are more sports-minded:
"Mudwrestling," "Aerobic Underwater Basketweaving," "High-Impact Crocheting,"
"Self-Defense," "Power Dog Walking," and "Cow Tipping." (Dogs will be
supplied by Dr. Wistrand. Cows will be imported from Wisconsin and their
milk will be used to make unmeltable dining hall cheese.)
Attendance policies have been made more
strict. Any student who misses more than one class will fail for the
semester unless she has a note from three doctors and a dean detailing
special circumstances. The note must be typed, in triplicate, and filed
in the Dean of the College's office. Currently the only special circumstance
for which the Dean will sign the note is death of the student.
Similarly, no student, no matter how
physically disabled, will be exempted from any level of the P.E. requirement
without the following:
- A doctor's note.
- A signed, sealed, and delivered
letter from each of the following: the King of Pluto, his wife
the Queen, their 27 children, plus an affidavit from their Charonese
- A recent, autographed picture
of Elvis doing the Macarena.
- A drop of blood from every royal
family in Europe, but specifically from the following: Charles
I of England, Louis XVI of France, Tsar Nicholas II of Russia.
- An authentic script from Friends,
ER, and/or The X-Files.
- An autographed script from the
next Star Trek movie.
Many students feel these requirements
are entirely too strict. "It's ridiculous. I don't have a personal doctor
anymore; he took me off the patient list when I came to school here!"
says one student.
Faculty and administration, on the other
hand, are certain that these changes will bring about the end of student
complaints. Why are they so sure? Any student overheard complaining
will be automatically kicked out. "We will soon have a much healthier
student population," says new Athletic Director Sueti Feet. "There will
be no more of these overweight wimps whining about aching muscles and
bad backs. Neither will we be hearing my personal favorite of all the
bad excuses, the old 'but I have mesh in my gut.' Honestly, these people
whine about everything. And just think how good our athletic
teams will become! I mean, they're good now, but they'll soon be great!"
Top ten reasons
I didn't make it to class
by B. Ad Xcuse
10. I had a coughing, aching, sneezing,
stuffy-head fever so I couldn't rest feeling when I woke up this morning.
9. I called my personal psychic on the
Psychic Hotline, and she told me that my planet was in the wrong alignment
and it was not a good idea to go class today.
8. WE HAD CLASS?!?
7. I had to think of 10 reasons I should
go to class.
6. I was abducted by aliens, taken to
another planet, experimented on, and when they brought me back, I was
nine minutes late for class.
5. I was nursing a hangover...and a
guy named Omar Epps.
4. Student Activities was having a "To
Die For" Band Party and I couldn't miss it!
3. You really don't expect me to go
to class on a beautiful, warm, sunny, breezy day like this, do you?
2. Tom Cruise approached me on the way
to class and threw himself at my feet. He told me that Nicole Kidman
wasn't the woman for him and that I made him complete. He then said
if I didn't marry him right now, he would kill himself. I have the ring,
the Porsche, and the mansion to prove it, along with his private jet.
Oh, by the way, I'm dropping out!
1. I overslept!