The Pastiche


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New P.E. Requirements Announced

Top 10 Reasons I didn't Make it to Class

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"I'm not going to ask if you just said what I think you just said because I know it's what you just said." The X-Files

"First man invented the wheel, then he invented roadkill." Third Rock From The Sun

New P.E. requirements announced
by Crow Shea

The uproar over the P.E. requirements has driven Agnes Scott College to totally revamp its system of traditional sports-minded classes. The number of classes has been lowered as the requirements have been made more stringent.

Students will be required to take all eight of the PE classes offered. This amounts to one each semester. To make scheduling easier, since that has been one of the primary complaints of students, these classes will be the only ones scheduled during the Tuesday/Thursday 4:00-5:15 period of the new schedule. However, students will only be allowed to take one P.E. class per semester unless they have previously failed a class, preventing anyone from getting ahead of the requirement and giving seniors a real reason for attending class. Sports participation will carry one-half hour of credit but will not count toward the requirement. Dance classes will no longer count towards the P.E. requirement.

The traditional classes have all been discarded in favor of more modern sports. One class, "Controlling the Force," is cross-listed with the Religious Studies Department, and students who achieve an A will be allowed to count that class as their Religious and Philosophical Thought requirement. The fitness class will be "Nutrition in Aramark," in which students will learn how to ignore the nutritional deficiencies of the dining hall. The other six classes are more sports-minded: "Mudwrestling," "Aerobic Underwater Basketweaving," "High-Impact Crocheting," "Self-Defense," "Power Dog Walking," and "Cow Tipping." (Dogs will be supplied by Dr. Wistrand. Cows will be imported from Wisconsin and their milk will be used to make unmeltable dining hall cheese.)

Attendance policies have been made more strict. Any student who misses more than one class will fail for the semester unless she has a note from three doctors and a dean detailing special circumstances. The note must be typed, in triplicate, and filed in the Dean of the College's office. Currently the only special circumstance for which the Dean will sign the note is death of the student.

Similarly, no student, no matter how physically disabled, will be exempted from any level of the P.E. requirement without the following:

      1. A doctor's note.
      2. A signed, sealed, and delivered letter from each of the following: the King of Pluto, his wife the Queen, their 27 children, plus an affidavit from their Charonese dog Fifi.
      3. A recent, autographed picture of Elvis doing the Macarena.
      4. A drop of blood from every royal family in Europe, but specifically from the following: Charles I of England, Louis XVI of France, Tsar Nicholas II of Russia.
      5. An authentic script from Friends, ER, and/or The X-Files.
      6. An autographed script from the next Star Trek movie.

Many students feel these requirements are entirely too strict. "It's ridiculous. I don't have a personal doctor anymore; he took me off the patient list when I came to school here!" says one student.

Faculty and administration, on the other hand, are certain that these changes will bring about the end of student complaints. Why are they so sure? Any student overheard complaining will be automatically kicked out. "We will soon have a much healthier student population," says new Athletic Director Sueti Feet. "There will be no more of these overweight wimps whining about aching muscles and bad backs. Neither will we be hearing my personal favorite of all the bad excuses, the old 'but I have mesh in my gut.' Honestly, these people whine about everything. And just think how good our athletic teams will become! I mean, they're good now, but they'll soon be great!"

Top ten reasons I didn't make it to class
by B. Ad Xcuse

10. I had a coughing, aching, sneezing, stuffy-head fever so I couldn't rest feeling when I woke up this morning.

9. I called my personal psychic on the Psychic Hotline, and she told me that my planet was in the wrong alignment and it was not a good idea to go class today.


7. I had to think of 10 reasons I should go to class.

6. I was abducted by aliens, taken to another planet, experimented on, and when they brought me back, I was nine minutes late for class.

5. I was nursing a hangover...and a guy named Omar Epps.

4. Student Activities was having a "To Die For" Band Party and I couldn't miss it!

3. You really don't expect me to go to class on a beautiful, warm, sunny, breezy day like this, do you?

2. Tom Cruise approached me on the way to class and threw himself at my feet. He told me that Nicole Kidman wasn't the woman for him and that I made him complete. He then said if I didn't marry him right now, he would kill himself. I have the ring, the Porsche, and the mansion to prove it, along with his private jet. Oh, by the way, I'm dropping out!

1. I overslept!