"You can lead a horse to water but
you can't make him steal it." Law and Order
announces curriculum changes
by Naht Bloodi Laikli
The English Department, in response
to many, many complaints, has announced that certain changes in its
curriculum are to take place at the beginning of next semester. Because
of their unpopularity with English majors, both Shakespeare classes
will be dropped. Two new classes will be offered in hopes of attracting
a wider enrollment.
The fall semester Tragedy class will
be replaced by "Dr. Seuss." ASC professors are confident that they can
take their students to a much higher level of writing and criticism
than they can ever hope to achieve with the archaic intricacies of good
ol' Bill. "Seuss is so much easier to interpret, yet just as meaningful
and universal in the end," says Dr. Peggy Thompson, who plans on teaching
the class in conjunction with a senior colloquium on The Simpsons.
"There are many similarities. Both wrote in poetry and had their own
peculiar jargon. I believe, however, that students will relate much
more easily to Seuss."
Although the works studied will naturally
change from year to year, it can be expected to include such classics
as Horton Hears a Who, The Cat in the Hat, and Green
Eggs and Ham. In addition, students may also expect a yearly dose
of How the Grinch Stole Christmas in honor of the festivities
during winter break.
The spring semester, Comedy and History,
will be replaced by a more daring experiment, "The Literature of Popular
Music." Arrangements have been made for a visiting professor to teach
this course each spring. According to H. Mettle, the new professor,
it will concentrate on metal and country, "two of the most similar forms
in popular music today." She adds that "I will, of course, be exercising
an ancient right of the English professor and teaching only those songs
and artists which I like."
In warning to would-be students, she
lists her favorite types as "late eighties/very early nineties metal
and eighties country," and adds that "within those two genres I am very
eclectic." Some pop music may also be covered, depending on Mettle's
mood when she makes out the syllabus. Count on exposure to Metallica,
Warrant, AC/DC, Skid Row, and Poison in the first half of the class,
and Alabama, Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, Little Texas, and Garth Brooks
in the second, as well as a concentration on country songwriters.
The English Department plans to coordinate
several new activities with the Office of Student Activities to enrich
these new classes. Readings of Dr. Seuss and poetry contests for the
same style will be held. Student Activities is also looking into the
possibility of luring some of the featured artists and songwriters of
the Music class to campus for concerts. Plans are in place to invite
a band featured in the class to the Writers' Festival, which may mean
that students will be far more willing to attend future events.
career for the Class of 1987: Professional student
by Ida Wanda Payloans
In anticipation of the upcoming graduation
(a.k.a. parole) of the class of 1997, Career Planning has taken a survey
of the class of 1987 to find out what careers are most popular among
these former students. To their surprise over half of the class members
have become professional students.
"We don't want to pay our loans, it's
as simple as that," replied Agatha Newbury '87 when asked why she was
working towards her seventh master's. "Even if I wanted to work, there's
no way that I could pay my loans. I'm $817,508,175,309 in debt." Newbury
has master's degrees in art history, Gaelic, underwater basketweaving,
fencing, television shows of the 1950's, and paper science, and is working
on her degree in the use of Windows 95.
Alum Stacie Philpot has taken the term
"Professional Student" to new heights. She has written a book, I
Went to College, I Got Loans, I Avoided Paying Them, which is full
of insight and ideas on how to avoid paying back loans. "The most extreme
method, though I would not recommend it as it has never been pulled
off successfully, is to completely wipe their bank's computer system.
I have one friend who tried this. Unfortunately, she was arrested."
The most successful method by far is to stay in school. "Remember, as
long as you are working towards a degree, you don't have to pay loans.
It doesn't matter if the degree will be useful at any point in the future."
Members of the class of 1997 are expected
to follow the example of their predecessors. "Wow, that's a great idea,"
exclaimed worried senior Emily Walters. "I have no money, no job prospects
and no hope! Now I have something to do after graduation!" Walters has
been accepted into a program in interpretive belly dance. At press time,
75 percent of ASC's graduating seniors had expressed a desire to become
New advances in
by Puter Hater
Using Agnes Scott College's endowment,
ITS bought out Microsoft early last week. With this clever move in marketing,
ITS will now have the ability to offer the best in computer technology.
Tom Maier, director of ITS, says, "With the new advanced technology
and the Microsoft Internet Explorer, I feel the network systems will
never crash again!"
Many have expressed feelings of excitement
and uncontrolled anticipation. The thought of being able to complete
a paper or assignment after one in the morning has the student body
cheering. Says senior I.M. History, "If Agnes went down one more time
in the middle of my English paper, I was going to teach the computer
how to fly by throwing it out the nearest window!"
The news about the use of the endowment
has upset several students and faculty on campus. Bank R. Upt, a junior,
noted, "For years we knew ASC had a big endowment, but large enough
to buy out Microsoft and Bill Gates? The student body could have been
going to school for free! Think about the scholarship opportunities,
ugh!" The complaints have been noted and an e-mail address has been
set up to receive all of those complaints at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Even with the new advances, time must
still play a key factor in actual initiation of changes. That means
for now, students, staff and faculty will still suffer with the frequent
network outages during the transition. This article was late because
once again, Agnes was down!