The Pastiche


Front Page

Page 2

Page 3

Page 4

Page 5

Page 6

Page 7

Page 8


English Dept. Announces Curriculum Changes

Most Popular Career for Class of '87: Professional Student

New Advances in ITS

Page 9

Page 10









"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him steal it." Law and Order

English Department announces curriculum changes
by Naht Bloodi Laikli

The English Department, in response to many, many complaints, has announced that certain changes in its curriculum are to take place at the beginning of next semester. Because of their unpopularity with English majors, both Shakespeare classes will be dropped. Two new classes will be offered in hopes of attracting a wider enrollment.

The fall semester Tragedy class will be replaced by "Dr. Seuss." ASC professors are confident that they can take their students to a much higher level of writing and criticism than they can ever hope to achieve with the archaic intricacies of good ol' Bill. "Seuss is so much easier to interpret, yet just as meaningful and universal in the end," says Dr. Peggy Thompson, who plans on teaching the class in conjunction with a senior colloquium on The Simpsons. "There are many similarities. Both wrote in poetry and had their own peculiar jargon. I believe, however, that students will relate much more easily to Seuss."

Although the works studied will naturally change from year to year, it can be expected to include such classics as Horton Hears a Who, The Cat in the Hat, and Green Eggs and Ham. In addition, students may also expect a yearly dose of How the Grinch Stole Christmas in honor of the festivities during winter break.

The spring semester, Comedy and History, will be replaced by a more daring experiment, "The Literature of Popular Music." Arrangements have been made for a visiting professor to teach this course each spring. According to H. Mettle, the new professor, it will concentrate on metal and country, "two of the most similar forms in popular music today." She adds that "I will, of course, be exercising an ancient right of the English professor and teaching only those songs and artists which I like."

In warning to would-be students, she lists her favorite types as "late eighties/very early nineties metal and eighties country," and adds that "within those two genres I am very eclectic." Some pop music may also be covered, depending on Mettle's mood when she makes out the syllabus. Count on exposure to Metallica, Warrant, AC/DC, Skid Row, and Poison in the first half of the class, and Alabama, Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, Little Texas, and Garth Brooks in the second, as well as a concentration on country songwriters.

The English Department plans to coordinate several new activities with the Office of Student Activities to enrich these new classes. Readings of Dr. Seuss and poetry contests for the same style will be held. Student Activities is also looking into the possibility of luring some of the featured artists and songwriters of the Music class to campus for concerts. Plans are in place to invite a band featured in the class to the Writers' Festival, which may mean that students will be far more willing to attend future events.

Most popular career for the Class of 1987: Professional student
by Ida Wanda Payloans

In anticipation of the upcoming graduation (a.k.a. parole) of the class of 1997, Career Planning has taken a survey of the class of 1987 to find out what careers are most popular among these former students. To their surprise over half of the class members have become professional students.

"We don't want to pay our loans, it's as simple as that," replied Agatha Newbury '87 when asked why she was working towards her seventh master's. "Even if I wanted to work, there's no way that I could pay my loans. I'm $817,508,175,309 in debt." Newbury has master's degrees in art history, Gaelic, underwater basketweaving, fencing, television shows of the 1950's, and paper science, and is working on her degree in the use of Windows 95.

Alum Stacie Philpot has taken the term "Professional Student" to new heights. She has written a book, I Went to College, I Got Loans, I Avoided Paying Them, which is full of insight and ideas on how to avoid paying back loans. "The most extreme method, though I would not recommend it as it has never been pulled off successfully, is to completely wipe their bank's computer system. I have one friend who tried this. Unfortunately, she was arrested." The most successful method by far is to stay in school. "Remember, as long as you are working towards a degree, you don't have to pay loans. It doesn't matter if the degree will be useful at any point in the future."

Members of the class of 1997 are expected to follow the example of their predecessors. "Wow, that's a great idea," exclaimed worried senior Emily Walters. "I have no money, no job prospects and no hope! Now I have something to do after graduation!" Walters has been accepted into a program in interpretive belly dance. At press time, 75 percent of ASC's graduating seniors had expressed a desire to become professional students.

New advances in ITS
by Puter Hater

Using Agnes Scott College's endowment, ITS bought out Microsoft early last week. With this clever move in marketing, ITS will now have the ability to offer the best in computer technology. Tom Maier, director of ITS, says, "With the new advanced technology and the Microsoft Internet Explorer, I feel the network systems will never crash again!"

Many have expressed feelings of excitement and uncontrolled anticipation. The thought of being able to complete a paper or assignment after one in the morning has the student body cheering. Says senior I.M. History, "If Agnes went down one more time in the middle of my English paper, I was going to teach the computer how to fly by throwing it out the nearest window!"

The news about the use of the endowment has upset several students and faculty on campus. Bank R. Upt, a junior, noted, "For years we knew ASC had a big endowment, but large enough to buy out Microsoft and Bill Gates? The student body could have been going to school for free! Think about the scholarship opportunities, ugh!" The complaints have been noted and an e-mail address has been set up to receive all of those complaints at

Even with the new advances, time must still play a key factor in actual initiation of changes. That means for now, students, staff and faculty will still suffer with the frequent network outages during the transition. This article was late because once again, Agnes was down!