The Pastiche


Front Page

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Sidewalk Chalk Banned

Energizer Bunny to Visit Campus

"But Officer..."

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"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." Anonymous

Sidewalk chalk banned
Class of 2000 suffers withdrawal
by Chalk E. Han

Due to many complaints, the administration has decided to ban the use of sidewalk chalk on the Agnes Scott campus. Professors have grown tired of seeing students traipsing into class covered from head to toe in chalk that makes them sneeze. "I just can't concentrate on my lectures with bright pink and purple students sitting in my classroom," said Dr. Pinka. "It's just not conducive to the academic environment!"

First-years, however, have a different opinion. "If I can't write my name on the sidewalk 20 times a day I'll just die!" said Mary Agnes MacDonald. "And what about elections?" whined Shelly Anne Sulky. "How are they going to know who to vote for if we don't write it on the sidewalks?" The first-year class spent most of their budget on sidewalk chalk and still have around a hundred pounds stockpiled somewhere in Walters. Winship R.D. Katherine Caron-Greig suggests, not entirely sarcastically, that they should donate it to the Winship pool table, which has been chalk-less much of the year.

Upperclass students are delighted. "I'm sick and tired of this stupid chalk!" said one very eloquent English major. Many are excited at the prospect of seeing our famous brick sidewalks again. "They'll be so much easier to navigate now that we can see the cracks instead of layer upon layer of dusty chalk," said senior Sarah Louise Moldy. "And besides, who really cares that so-and-so turns nineteen and a half today?"

Energizer Bunny to visit campus
by Bat Ree

The Office of Student Activities has announced a change in the schedule of parties for April. Instead of scrounging up an unknown and untalented band for a Winship-rattling band party, they are sponsoring a concert by the King of Hot Pink, the Energizer Bunny.

Already students are responding with far more eagerness than for any previous band party. "So what that he only plays the bass drum?" asks Lyke Muzik. "The mere fact that he knows what to do with the instrument puts him miles ahead of the rest of the people we've seen." Added senior Stihl Waters, "After four years, finally they've gotten somebody with a reputation, instead of just dragging people off the street or using the parties as a spotlight for the director's personal project. That was just plain unprofessional, even if it was cheaper."

Mr. Bunny's appearance at Agnes Scott was made possible by the filming of several "bunny commercials" for Energizer in the Atlanta area during the same week. Organizers on both sides jumped at the chance to give Mr. Bunny more exposure at a collegiate level.

Since Mr. Bunny's first appearance in TV commercials several years ago, he has become something of a cultural icon. Sadly, most of his recognition has come in the form of spoofs and parodies, and he has become known in many circles as "that damned bunny." It is hoped that Mr. Bunny's appearance at ASC will help reverse the trend.

"But Officer...."
Students have bizarre experience with Milledgeville police
by N.T. Guilty

On Friday, February 21, three Agnes Scott students were arrested for allegedly not parking in a handicapped space. They were attending the Third Georgia Conference on Friendly Relations between Dogs and Squirrels, otherwise known as "How to Get Along with Your Roommate," in Milledgeville.

The students started to pull into a parking space and noticed that it was marked "handicapped." Being careful and concerned drivers, they immediately pulled out of this space. At this point they were greeted with flashing blue lights. They thought nothing of this, and got out of the car. An officer yelled at them to get back into the vehicle. Bewildered, they obeyed.

The officer then took the students to the local jail. He would not tell the students why they had been arrested, despite their many pleas. When asked if they had been brought in for not parking in the handicapped space, he mumbled, "Yeah, I guess so," slammed the door, and left the three students to mope in their cell, which certainly didn’t live up to the "dorms like palaces" to which the students had been accustomed.

This incident infuriated the deanery of Agnes Scott College. "We will not have our student leaders getting arrested!" exclaimed a slightly perturbed Mollie Merrick. "It just doesn't look right! Besides that, I don't understand why they were arrested for not parking there. I always thought that not parking illegally was the right thing to do. Now I'm not so sure. This is all very confusing." After receiving a panicked phone call at one in the morning, Merrick arranged for the students to be released on $1000 bail.

The trial date has been set for April 1. Please support your fellow students by signing the circulating petition to the Milledgeville Police Department. If there are enough signatures, charges may be dropped. If not, Student Activities plans a field trip to watch the proceedings and lend support to the accused.