The Pastiche


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Don't be Alarmed by New Alarms

Physical Plant Goes Disco

Global Awareness: Destination Albania!

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"I signed up for a class I didn't necessarily want but took anyway since it was only an hour. It looked interesting, but I didn't appreciate the hazards until I told my mother I was taking Prosody and she replied, 'Why are you taking a class in chastity?' "

Don't be alarmed by new alarms
by Carbon Di Oxide

Public Safety has become seriously upset due to student, staff, and faculty responses to fire drills. At the last fire drill, it took nearly thirty minutes to clear out Buttrick. Growled an irate Curtis Parrott, "With response times like that, might as well not leave the damned building!" Several other officers agreed. Because of the danger involved by slow response to a fire alarm, Public Safety had an emergency meeting Saturday and presented President Bullock with a proposal to speed up building evacuations during a fire drill. It was immediately approved.

The proposal allows for the fire alarm to be changed. As of Wednesday, fire alarms in every building will no longer buzz obnoxiously but will instead blare Barney's "I Love You" song at maximum volume. The change has already been tested in the first-year dorms with amazing results. Winship cleared out in less than thirty seconds. Unfortunately, several students were injured when in crazed desperation they threw themselves from third floor windows. They have been reported to be in stable condition at Dekalb Medical Center, though two students were not admitted due to lack of insurance.

As an added bonus to the new fire alarm system, Public Safety broke the record for checking a dorm. They checked all of Winship in under a minute. Overall, Public Safety is excited about the results and is definitely looking forward to testing it in other buildings.

Physical Plant goes disco
by Strob E. Lite

Several weeks ago, Physical Plant unveiled a plan to replace the time-honored yell of "Man on the hall" with a flashing light not very dissimilar from a strobe light. Many boarding students, however, have complained, citing everything from the possibility of the lights triggering seizures to an inability to see them. Physical Plant has heard these complaints and taken steps to remedy the situation.

In addition to the light, Physical Plant workers are now required to play cheesy disco music. Hopefully the music will remedy the problem of students not seeing the light at all. The senior staff of Physical Plant reports that all employees will now have to attend a mandatory Disco Dancing At Its Best seminar. Also, all employees are required to pick up the cassette Travolta's Best at Sharonne Hardeman's desk. The familiar walkie-talkies will be replaced by models which come with a tape player and speaker. Employees are reminded to pick up their new bellbottom uniforms at Sharonne's desk. (These are, of course, available in polyester.)

Several employees have expressed extreme dissappointment with the changes. According to one employee, Un M. Ployed, "And I thought the strobe lights were ridiculous. Now we have to imitate some guy name Travolta." Students have also voiced concern with the new procedure as well. No A. Pinion, a sophomore, says "Personally, I prefer eighties music to whatever that Travolta guy is dancing to. And what about the light? I still can't see the light!"

The senior staff has been unavailable for further comment.

Destination Albania!
by Nada Worrie

The destination for the Global Awareness program for the 1997-1998 school year has been changed. Instead of visiting the peaceful country of Japan, students will be given the opportunity to witness civil unrest firsthand in the eastern European country of Albania. (For those who have never heard of it, it is located next to Greece.)

Due to added insurance costs, which the college is unwilling to subsidize, the trip will cost $3000, slightly higher than average for a Global Awareness trip. Bullet-proof vests will be available for an additional fee of $200. "This is a unique opportunity for our students," said Ruth Bettandorff, Associate Dean of the College, in charge of study abroad programs. "It isn't every day that you can observe a government melting down like this. We are also excited about students getting a chance to practice the life-saving skills that they have learned in Public Safety's seminars and in the P.E. Department's self-defense class. In addition, the violence in this country will provide excellent examples of all kinds of injuries for those who took 'Responding to Emergencies' to tend."

Bettandorff regrets that she will be unable to accompany students, as she has scheduled a root canal for December 28, the trip's departure date. Requirements for entering the program will be strenuous. Students with previous firearms or knife experience will have an edge. Public Safety will offer special seminars in dodging bullets. If you sign up for these classes, please be careful, as they plan on using live ammunition. In addition, participants must take classes in water purification, Morse code, and basic survival skills. "We don't feel that students will be in any danger," added Bettandorff. "By the time they reach Albania they will have acquired the skills necessary to survive in an area of civil unrest. These are skills that will help them in day-to-day life, especially if they decide to live in a major city such as L.A. after graduation."

Applications will be available on May 14 and students are urged to hurry, as this is expected to be a popular program. So far, students have shown an overwhelming response. Several have made plans to camp out in Buttrick overnight to make sure they are one of the lucky few allowed to participate in this educational adventure. There are only 15 spaces available. Albania is a small country, and if the group were any larger, it might be mistaken for an invading army. If you have any questions, you may contact the Office of the Dean of the College for further information.