Quote
"I signed up for a class I didn't
necessarily want but took anyway since it was only an hour. It looked
interesting, but I didn't appreciate the hazards until I told my mother
I was taking Prosody and she replied, 'Why are you taking a class
in chastity?' "
Don't be alarmed
by new alarms
by Carbon Di Oxide
Public Safety has become seriously upset
due to student, staff, and faculty responses to fire drills. At the
last fire drill, it took nearly thirty minutes to clear out Buttrick.
Growled an irate Curtis Parrott, "With response times like that, might
as well not leave the damned building!" Several other officers agreed.
Because of the danger involved by slow response to a fire alarm, Public
Safety had an emergency meeting Saturday and presented President Bullock
with a proposal to speed up building evacuations during a fire drill.
It was immediately approved.
The proposal allows for the fire alarm
to be changed. As of Wednesday, fire alarms in every building will no
longer buzz obnoxiously but will instead blare Barney's "I Love
You" song at maximum volume. The change has already been tested in the
first-year dorms with amazing results. Winship cleared out in less than
thirty seconds. Unfortunately, several students were injured when in
crazed desperation they threw themselves from third floor windows. They
have been reported to be in stable condition at Dekalb Medical Center,
though two students were not admitted due to lack of insurance.
As an added bonus to the new fire alarm
system, Public Safety broke the record for checking a dorm. They checked
all of Winship in under a minute. Overall, Public Safety is excited
about the results and is definitely looking forward to testing it in
other buildings.
Physical Plant
goes disco
by Strob E. Lite
Several weeks ago, Physical Plant unveiled
a plan to replace the time-honored yell of "Man on the hall" with a
flashing light not very dissimilar from a strobe light. Many boarding
students, however, have complained, citing everything from the possibility
of the lights triggering seizures to an inability to see them. Physical
Plant has heard these complaints and taken steps to remedy the situation.
In addition to the light, Physical Plant
workers are now required to play cheesy disco music. Hopefully the music
will remedy the problem of students not seeing the light at all. The
senior staff of Physical Plant reports that all employees will now have
to attend a mandatory Disco Dancing At Its Best seminar. Also,
all employees are required to pick up the cassette Travolta's Best
at Sharonne Hardeman's desk. The familiar walkie-talkies will be replaced
by models which come with a tape player and speaker. Employees are reminded
to pick up their new bellbottom uniforms at Sharonne's desk. (These
are, of course, available in polyester.)
Several employees have expressed extreme
dissappointment with the changes. According to one employee, Un M. Ployed,
"And I thought the strobe lights were ridiculous. Now we have to imitate
some guy name Travolta." Students have also voiced concern with the
new procedure as well. No A. Pinion, a sophomore, says "Personally,
I prefer eighties music to whatever that Travolta guy is dancing to.
And what about the light? I still can't see the light!"
The senior staff has been unavailable
for further comment.
Destination
Albania!
by Nada Worrie
The destination for the Global Awareness
program for the 1997-1998 school year has been changed. Instead of visiting
the peaceful country of Japan, students will be given the opportunity
to witness civil unrest firsthand in the eastern European country of
Albania. (For those who have never heard of it, it is located next to
Greece.)
Due to added insurance costs, which
the college is unwilling to subsidize, the trip will cost $3000, slightly
higher than average for a Global Awareness trip. Bullet-proof vests
will be available for an additional fee of $200. "This is a unique opportunity
for our students," said Ruth Bettandorff, Associate Dean of the College,
in charge of study abroad programs. "It isn't every day that you can
observe a government melting down like this. We are also excited about
students getting a chance to practice the life-saving skills that they
have learned in Public Safety's seminars and in the P.E. Department's
self-defense class. In addition, the violence in this country will provide
excellent examples of all kinds of injuries for those who took 'Responding
to Emergencies' to tend."
Bettandorff regrets that she will be
unable to accompany students, as she has scheduled a root canal for
December 28, the trip's departure date. Requirements for entering the
program will be strenuous. Students with previous firearms or knife
experience will have an edge. Public Safety will offer special seminars
in dodging bullets. If you sign up for these classes, please be careful,
as they plan on using live ammunition. In addition, participants must
take classes in water purification, Morse code, and basic survival skills.
"We don't feel that students will be in any danger," added Bettandorff.
"By the time they reach Albania they will have acquired the skills necessary
to survive in an area of civil unrest. These are skills that will help
them in day-to-day life, especially if they decide to live in a major
city such as L.A. after graduation."
Applications will be available on May
14 and students are urged to hurry, as this is expected to be a popular
program. So far, students have shown an overwhelming response. Several
have made plans to camp out in Buttrick overnight to make sure they
are one of the lucky few allowed to participate in this educational
adventure. There are only 15 spaces available. Albania is a small country,
and if the group were any larger, it might be mistaken for an invading
army. If you have any questions, you may contact the Office of the Dean
of the College for further information.