of the Day
"You can't be a successful
dictator and design women's underclothing." P.G. Wodehouse
I am your mother"
Star Wars scandal rocks campus
by Jed I. Nyte
With the recently renewed
interest in the Star Wars saga, an age-old question has once
again been asked: who is Luke and Leia's mother? Inside sources have
finally revealed the answer to this question, and their mother is none
other than Agnes Scott's own Mary Brown Bullock. The news has sent shock
waves through the Agnes Scott community, with students expressing both
surprise and disbelief. "I thought that happened a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away," said sophomore Beth Starr. "How
did Mary B. B. get there?"
This question is on the
mind of many students and really has a simple explanation. Shortly after
her graduation in 1966, Brown disappeared for a period of about 2 weeks.
Our sources say that she was abducted at this time and taken to the
planet of Tatooine, where she was introduced to Anakin Skywalker. They
apparently hit it off and married soon after. The marriage began happily
enough but, shortly after Brown-Skywalker became pregnant and before
she could tell him, Anakin had a fling with the Dark Side of the Force
and became Darth Vader.
At this point, Brown-Skywalker
realized the danger that she and her unborn children faced, so she arranged
for the marriage to be dissolved. Her twins were born several months
later. Luke was hidden immediately after birth, but Brown remained with
Leia for about a year and a half before deciding that the situation
was too dangerous for her and realized that she had to return to Earth.
In all, Brown seems to have spent about 3 years in this faraway galaxy.
The difference in the amount of time she was missing on Earth and the
amount of time she spent in space can be easily explained by a complicated
physics theory that does not need to be included here. Remember, these
people have very advanced technology compared to ours.
Brown Bullock has refused
to comment on the situation. It is unknown whether George Bullock knew
about this previous marriage. Their children seem excited about the
news of their half-siblings and have been seen playing with plastic
lightsabers on the quad.
Student reactions to the
news have been mixed. "Why didn't she tell us sooner?" whined
junior Alda Ronn. "I feel so betrayed that she kept this information
from us!" Senior Rose Eisley brought up what could really be considered
a touchy subject in the Skywalker family. "Maybe if Luke visits
his mother he can find a date other than his sister," she said,
hinting that she was interested in dating this Jedi Knight.
The news is expected to
bring about changes in some of the college's policies. From now on students
will have the choice of learning to master the Force in place of the
P.E. requirement. This idea has prompted excitement in many students.
"I'm just imagining telling Dr. Ball 'I did not fail freshman English'
and having him believe me," said a first-year who for obvious
reasons wishes to remain anonymous. Other suggestions have included
changing the school's motto to "I've got a bad feeling about this."
"We feel that this
describes what the school has come to stand for," reads the official
statement from the Board of Trustees. Students tend to agree. This is
what most of them say when taking a test, turning in a paper, or explaining
why they missed class.
Overall the mood of the
campus has changed. "Finally something newsworthy has happened
here!" said senior Bobbi Fett. "I've been here for four years
and up until now the most exciting thing that has happened on campus
has been somebody breaking parietals. I think this will be good for
the college. We'll gain not only national but intergalactic publicity!
Forget the best dorms in the country -- I think we should aim for the
best dorms in the universe!"
We can only wait and see
if this prediction comes true. Until then, may the Force be with you!
As an ASC student you need it!
by A. Registrar
Having trouble with the
Agnes Scott schedule? Unable to fit those thirteen labs a semester around
that last history class necessary to graduate? Can't fit your schedule
around that mandatory class needed for your major (that is only offered
once every six years)? Tired of getting up at 8:25 Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday to muddle through some unintelligible subject? Well, never
fear, Scotties! The college has heard your problems, and is now prepared
to offer succor! The following schedule has been put into place for
the 1997-98 school year:
Mondays and Wednesdays:
skip period for anyone 21 and over with a hangover)
Tuesdays and Thursdays:
skip day for all seniors!!
class for all early party-goers)
This schedule has caused
some consternation among faculty members, but the college feels confident
this can be resolved through strategic cutbacks. "I am confident
this schedule will be the most accommodating to students' natural schedules.
I feel that any fears about this schedule will be put to rest after
a year's trial," said Dean O. Schedules. "It's not much of
a change for me," said Frida First-year. "We are all up that
late anyways!" So all hail to the new schedule, Scotties, and onward