The Pastiche



Front Page

Quote of the Day

Luke, I am Your Mother

Scottie Schedule Shenanigans

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Quote of the Day

"You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing." P.G. Wodehouse

"Luke, I am your mother"
Star Wars scandal rocks campus
by Jed I. Nyte

With the recently renewed interest in the Star Wars saga, an age-old question has once again been asked: who is Luke and Leia's mother? Inside sources have finally revealed the answer to this question, and their mother is none other than Agnes Scott's own Mary Brown Bullock. The news has sent shock waves through the Agnes Scott community, with students expressing both surprise and disbelief. "I thought that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," said sophomore Beth Starr. "How did Mary B. B. get there?"

This question is on the mind of many students and really has a simple explanation. Shortly after her graduation in 1966, Brown disappeared for a period of about 2 weeks. Our sources say that she was abducted at this time and taken to the planet of Tatooine, where she was introduced to Anakin Skywalker. They apparently hit it off and married soon after. The marriage began happily enough but, shortly after Brown-Skywalker became pregnant and before she could tell him, Anakin had a fling with the Dark Side of the Force and became Darth Vader.

At this point, Brown-Skywalker realized the danger that she and her unborn children faced, so she arranged for the marriage to be dissolved. Her twins were born several months later. Luke was hidden immediately after birth, but Brown remained with Leia for about a year and a half before deciding that the situation was too dangerous for her and realized that she had to return to Earth. In all, Brown seems to have spent about 3 years in this faraway galaxy. The difference in the amount of time she was missing on Earth and the amount of time she spent in space can be easily explained by a complicated physics theory that does not need to be included here. Remember, these people have very advanced technology compared to ours.

Brown Bullock has refused to comment on the situation. It is unknown whether George Bullock knew about this previous marriage. Their children seem excited about the news of their half-siblings and have been seen playing with plastic lightsabers on the quad.

Student reactions to the news have been mixed. "Why didn't she tell us sooner?" whined junior Alda Ronn. "I feel so betrayed that she kept this information from us!" Senior Rose Eisley brought up what could really be considered a touchy subject in the Skywalker family. "Maybe if Luke visits his mother he can find a date other than his sister," she said, hinting that she was interested in dating this Jedi Knight.

The news is expected to bring about changes in some of the college's policies. From now on students will have the choice of learning to master the Force in place of the P.E. requirement. This idea has prompted excitement in many students. "I'm just imagining telling Dr. Ball 'I did not fail freshman English' and having him believe me," said a first-year who for obvious reasons wishes to remain anonymous. Other suggestions have included changing the school's motto to "I've got a bad feeling about this."

"We feel that this describes what the school has come to stand for," reads the official statement from the Board of Trustees. Students tend to agree. This is what most of them say when taking a test, turning in a paper, or explaining why they missed class.

Overall the mood of the campus has changed. "Finally something newsworthy has happened here!" said senior Bobbi Fett. "I've been here for four years and up until now the most exciting thing that has happened on campus has been somebody breaking parietals. I think this will be good for the college. We'll gain not only national but intergalactic publicity! Forget the best dorms in the country -- I think we should aim for the best dorms in the universe!"

We can only wait and see if this prediction comes true. Until then, may the Force be with you! As an ASC student you need it!

Scottie Schedule Shenanigans
by A. Registrar

Having trouble with the Agnes Scott schedule? Unable to fit those thirteen labs a semester around that last history class necessary to graduate? Can't fit your schedule around that mandatory class needed for your major (that is only offered once every six years)? Tired of getting up at 8:25 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to muddle through some unintelligible subject? Well, never fear, Scotties! The college has heard your problems, and is now prepared to offer succor! The following schedule has been put into place for the 1997-98 school year:

Mondays and Wednesdays:

12:00-12:50 (Mondays: skip period for anyone 21 and over with a hangover)

1:00-1:50 mandatory lunch


3:00-3:50 community hour


5:00-5:50 mandatory dinner



7:00-11:00 science labs




12:30-1:45 dance classes

2:30-4:30 dance rehearsals

Tuesdays and Thursdays:

11:45-1:00 first class

1:15-2:15 mandatory lunch



5:30-6:30 mandatory dinner



8:15-12:15 science labs


11:15-12:30 dance classes

1:30-3:30 dance rehearsals

Fridays: Mandatory skip day for all seniors!!


1:00-1:50 lunch!



4:00-4:50 (skip class for all early party-goers)

This schedule has caused some consternation among faculty members, but the college feels confident this can be resolved through strategic cutbacks. "I am confident this schedule will be the most accommodating to students' natural schedules. I feel that any fears about this schedule will be put to rest after a year's trial," said Dean O. Schedules. "It's not much of a change for me," said Frida First-year. "We are all up that late anyways!" So all hail to the new schedule, Scotties, and onward and upward!