The Pastiche



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New Organization Announces Presence on Campus


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"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." Dan Quayle

New organization announces presence on campus
by U.N. Phunny

In a year dominated by the emergence of several new clubs and organizations, yet another one has popped up. This is the Society for the Destruction of Frivolity, whose goal is to rid the campus, and hopefully the world, of humor.

Explains Neva Laff, the president of the organization, "Frivolity is the main problem of the world today. Everywhere you turn, there's a new comedian or sitcom showing up. You've got Jay Leno, Jeff Foxworthy, Dave Letterman -- and all they do is make people laugh. People are too worried about having a good time to think about all the trouble in the world today."

Members of the group take a solemn oath never to laugh, no matter what. Most prefer to boycott sitcoms, talk shows, comedians, and college classes on Shakespearean comedies. The most radical want comedic plays banned from drama classes. "There's no reason to include humor, since it has no literary value and does not require good acting," says Laff.

In addition, members of SDF feel that humor and laughter have no purpose. "Laughing will not end world hunger or help us deal with teen pregnancy. In fact, when was the last time you ever heard of laughter accomplishing anything? And don't give me that old saw about laughter being the best medicine. Laughter only makes sick people hurt more."

SDF plans to take drastic measures to get their point across, such as marches, demonstrations, Congressional lobbying, and TV commercials. Long-term goals include the banning of all shows and movies at which anyone has ever laughed, which, Laff admits, "leaves us with news programs. National, that is, not local." Songs, books, and movies which do not have a deep, symbolic meaning are on their hit list. This ban includes all songs by Ray Stevens, anything connected with Jeff Foxworthy, and Star Wars. Also targeted are comic strips, all cartoons, and humor on the Net. "We are a very broad-range group," says Laff. "If humans were meant to laugh there would be no pain. Since there is far more pain than laughter, laughter is unnecessary. Our energies are best spent in finding ways to solve our serious problems."

Students are unsure of how to take this new group. "I just don't know," says one student, who asked to remain anonymous. "Granted, I never laugh anymore, there's too much stress here, but to ban it entirely seems a bit much." Upon learning that one of SDF's goals is to ban the TV show Friends, since it is "unrealistic" and "causes energy to be expended in laughter which can better be expended in serious endeavors," she promptly decided that she would join: "I hate that theme song."

SDF can expect opposition, however. International Society for the Advancement of Dorks empress Bubbles Brnaid is livid. "Just because all they ever watch is CNN and 60 Minutes doesn't mean they can impose their gloomy, doomy predictions on the rest of us." She promises that ISAD will fight SDF every step of the way, and adds as a personal note, "I will kill the first SDF member who tries to get between me and Garfield." Treasurer Ub Livious seconds her empress's decision, adding that SDF members "need to get a life. What are they trying to do? Make us even more stressed?"

Nevertheless, it appears that SDF is here to stay. Already, several faculty members have expressed interest in joining, as have many students who feel that their fellows "just don't take higher education seriously." Neva Laff says all students interested in taking life seriously are welcome at meetings, which will be held in Maclean Auditorium Monday evenings at 7.

by Sgt. Duncan Donutz

An outbreak of vehicular intoxication is endangering the roads around campus. Yes, the very roads are in trouble from these drunk vehicles, as most of them are causing excessive wear and tear on the pavement. Most of these vehicles are not from our campus, but beware anyway, as intoxicated vehicles do not stop for even their drivers. Students are asked to call Public Safety if they see a vehicle without a driver acting oddly. Some students may remember that, earlier in the year, there was an incident of a vehicle returning to campus after the driver was escorted home. Apparently the bizarre phenomenon has spread to other vehicles in Decatur and the vicinity. Please remember that your vehicles have no alcohol tolerance and become intoxicated very quickly despite their large size.

In addition, several students have reported loss or theft of their minds. We remind you that stealing a brain is a serious offense in the state of Georgia, as well as a violation of the Honor Code and the Ten Commandments. Those of you possessing stolen items such as fellow students' minds are encouraged to turn yourselves and the missing brain in to Honor Court. Do not be afraid of prosecution if you only found it lying around Alston. This is a very common occurrence. Random minds are returned to the Information Desk's lost and found at least once a day.

We regret to inform the campus that, due to imperious demands by students that we serve only Pizza Hut pizza, our attempt at a tradition of Monday night "Pizza and a Movie" has been ended. Our budget simply cannot handle the cost of real pizza and rental at Blockbuster. Public Safety thanks those students who were reasonable in their demands.

Also, Officer A. Lansbury requests that the student who "borrowed" her copy of Braveheart please return it, as she has gone into withdrawal from not seeing Mel Gibson in a kilt once a day and has been forced to enter therapy.