"I have made good judgments in the
past. I have made good judgments in the future." Dan Quayle
announces presence on campus
by U.N. Phunny
In a year dominated by the emergence
of several new clubs and organizations, yet another one has popped up.
This is the Society for the Destruction of Frivolity, whose goal is
to rid the campus, and hopefully the world, of humor.
Explains Neva Laff, the president of
the organization, "Frivolity is the main problem of the world today.
Everywhere you turn, there's a new comedian or sitcom showing up. You've
got Jay Leno, Jeff Foxworthy, Dave Letterman -- and all they do is make
people laugh. People are too worried about having a good time to think
about all the trouble in the world today."
Members of the group take a solemn oath
never to laugh, no matter what. Most prefer to boycott sitcoms, talk
shows, comedians, and college classes on Shakespearean comedies. The
most radical want comedic plays banned from drama classes. "There's
no reason to include humor, since it has no literary value and does
not require good acting," says Laff.
In addition, members of SDF feel that
humor and laughter have no purpose. "Laughing will not end world hunger
or help us deal with teen pregnancy. In fact, when was the last time
you ever heard of laughter accomplishing anything? And don't give me
that old saw about laughter being the best medicine. Laughter only makes
sick people hurt more."
SDF plans to take drastic measures to
get their point across, such as marches, demonstrations, Congressional
lobbying, and TV commercials. Long-term goals include the banning of
all shows and movies at which anyone has ever laughed, which, Laff admits,
"leaves us with news programs. National, that is, not local." Songs,
books, and movies which do not have a deep, symbolic meaning are on
their hit list. This ban includes all songs by Ray Stevens, anything
connected with Jeff Foxworthy, and Star Wars. Also targeted are
comic strips, all cartoons, and humor on the Net. "We are a very broad-range
group," says Laff. "If humans were meant to laugh there would be no
pain. Since there is far more pain than laughter, laughter is unnecessary.
Our energies are best spent in finding ways to solve our serious problems."
Students are unsure of how to take this
new group. "I just don't know," says one student, who asked to remain
anonymous. "Granted, I never laugh anymore, there's too much stress
here, but to ban it entirely seems a bit much." Upon learning that one
of SDF's goals is to ban the TV show Friends, since it is "unrealistic"
and "causes energy to be expended in laughter which can better be expended
in serious endeavors," she promptly decided that she would join: "I
hate that theme song."
SDF can expect opposition, however.
International Society for the Advancement of Dorks empress Bubbles Brnaid
is livid. "Just because all they ever watch is CNN and 60 Minutes
doesn't mean they can impose their gloomy, doomy predictions on the
rest of us." She promises that ISAD will fight SDF every step of the
way, and adds as a personal note, "I will kill the first SDF member
who tries to get between me and Garfield." Treasurer Ub Livious
seconds her empress's decision, adding that SDF members "need to get
a life. What are they trying to do? Make us even more stressed?"
Nevertheless, it appears that SDF is
here to stay. Already, several faculty members have expressed interest
in joining, as have many students who feel that their fellows "just
don't take higher education seriously." Neva Laff says all students
interested in taking life seriously are welcome at meetings, which will
be held in Maclean Auditorium Monday evenings at 7.
by Sgt. Duncan Donutz
An outbreak of vehicular intoxication
is endangering the roads around campus. Yes, the very roads are in trouble
from these drunk vehicles, as most of them are causing excessive wear
and tear on the pavement. Most of these vehicles are not from our campus,
but beware anyway, as intoxicated vehicles do not stop for even their
drivers. Students are asked to call Public Safety if they see a vehicle
without a driver acting oddly. Some students may remember that, earlier
in the year, there was an incident of a vehicle returning to campus
after the driver was escorted home. Apparently the bizarre phenomenon
has spread to other vehicles in Decatur and the vicinity. Please remember
that your vehicles have no alcohol tolerance and become intoxicated
very quickly despite their large size.
In addition, several students have reported
loss or theft of their minds. We remind you that stealing a brain is
a serious offense in the state of Georgia, as well as a violation of
the Honor Code and the Ten Commandments. Those of you possessing stolen
items such as fellow students' minds are encouraged to turn yourselves
and the missing brain in to Honor Court. Do not be afraid of prosecution
if you only found it lying around Alston. This is a very common occurrence.
Random minds are returned to the Information Desk's lost and found at
least once a day.
We regret to inform the campus that,
due to imperious demands by students that we serve only Pizza Hut pizza,
our attempt at a tradition of Monday night "Pizza and a Movie" has been
ended. Our budget simply cannot handle the cost of real pizza and
rental at Blockbuster. Public Safety thanks those students who were
reasonable in their demands.
Also, Officer A. Lansbury requests that
the student who "borrowed" her copy of Braveheart please return
it, as she has gone into withdrawal from not seeing Mel Gibson in a
kilt once a day and has been forced to enter therapy.